microdosing on being masculine by making my pfp a boy

...

𝕰𝖗𝖔𝖘 & 𝕻𝖘𝖞𝖈𝖍𝖊

on fathers

[cut, catherine lacey || “origin story,” sink (button poetry, march 5, 2019), desireé dallagiacomo || saturn devouring his son (1636), peter paul rubens || abraham sacrificing isaac (ca. 1629–32), valentin de boulogne || I am angry because of my father, halsey || the carnivorous lamb, agustín gómez arcos || sacrifice of isaac (1571), michelangelo merisi, detto il caravaggio || saturn devouring his son (1819-23), francisco de goya || It lingers for your whole life, katie maria || heartburn, nora ephron]

when you go from a bad situation into a better one you may collapse exhausted and unsure what to do and full of grief, you may need time to regain the ability to do things as yourself or motivated by anything other than terror, you may need time to process or mourn or fall apart in ways you could not before,

and people may use this as proof that the old situation was better for you, proof that you need to go back, and it is not proof that it was better for you or proof that you need to go back

!!!

It’s so incredibly common to “fall apart” when you’re finally safe. You no longer need to stay so tightly coiled in on yourself, you can finally leave survival mode and process your trauma. You’re not holding yourself up by sheer terror anymore and suddenly the damage that terror has done to you becomes immediate and obvious. 

This is so important. Don’t go back. Things are already getting better, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

This is a documented phenomenon with abuse in particular. I’ve had a number of people ask me why they’re falling apart now after they’ve moved into a safer home, or they’re in a less dangerous area, or they’ve left an exploitative job, or they’re in a healthy relationship for the first time. Generally, it’s because they made that positive change. 

When we’re still in the midst of crisis, we’re often too overloaded and physically/emotionally unsafe to really feel or process anything. So for most of us, everything gets pushed down/repressed/dissociated until later, when we’re safe and supported. The threshold of safety at which processing begins to occur varies from person to person. And the mental calculations used to determine “safety” usually happen on an unconscious level. Very few of us have the conscious thought “I’m safe now, so I can process what happened to me.” Instead, the subconscious realizes some level of safety has been achieved, and so it just dumps a load of suppressed stuff. 

Sometimes, it’s contrast to past experiences that makes us realize something was traumatic at all. In such cases, it’s not that we’ve reached a level of safety and can thus begin to process, it’s that we finally have a basis for comparison to know that what went before was unacceptable. 

Any time I go through a huge period of stress, I invariably get a massive migraine the day after the stress releases. It’s like my body is suddenly “okay, we can deal with this now.”

That’s normal. Take care of yourself now that you can.

if a boy told me "want hot choccy" out loud i would dump him on the spot

i killed them all

I would marry him on the spot. 

Come on, hubby. Let’s go get some hot choccy. Don’t forget to put in the marshymo’s!

You’ll die alone and lost in a town you don’t recognize